Couples Married 50 Plus Years Explain How To Make A Marriage Last Forever
Around the time that my in-laws celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, and Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger were lined up for divorce court. The Quaid-Ryan marriage was terminating after 9 years, Willis-Moore, 11 years, and Baldwin-Basinger, 7 years. Paradoxically, my in-laws were the ones who deserved colossal adulation, but the celebrity divorces were the ones making news headlines. More headlines followed. The Jane Fonda-Ted Turner marriage (10 years) went bust. Then Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (10 years) split.
In the winner’s column: 1. In the loser’s column: A number that multiplied at such a frenetic pace, it was hard to keep up. This lopsided scorecard led me to an age-old question -- but the answer would have a new twist.
The question: What does it take to make a marriage last “until death do us part”? Scanning the abundance of self-help marriage and relationship books in bookstores and libraries, I realized they were written by a third-party expert giving his/her analytical or clinical interpretation and advice. I discovered a very distinct void — the “voices of experience”, couples who’ve achieved marital longevity. These are the true experts.
A book was born! Three years later, Everlasting Matrimony Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years Or More fills this void.
Everlasting Matrimony consists of interviews with 75 couples who’ve celebrated no less than their golden anniversary. The couples reside across the U.S. and Canada and represent a diversity of faiths, ethnicities and cultures. Husbands and wives were interviewed separately. Their remarks – unedited and uncensored – cover every aspect of marriage ranging from communication, sex and money to children, religion, hardships and much more.
Wisdom Shared
Following are a variety of pointers provided by husbands and wives in Everlasting Matrimony for adoption and to enhance any loving marriage:
Praise your spouse. Be willing to say “thanks” for the little things your spouse does for you. Ask for assistance in solving problems, particularly in areas in which you know your spouse is more capable than you. Be willing to ask for and accept your spouse’s opinions in regard to unexpected situations. Make your spouse feel special.
Keep your own ego in check. Never be too proud to apologize when the other has been offended. Accept that no one’s perfect and we all make mistakes. Give kind, constructive criticism only when a situation truly warrants it; otherwise, swallow your pride and keep your mouth shut! And, accept your spouse’s apologies graciously.
Never forget birthdays, anniversaries and “special” dates. It’s easy to let milestone dates slide by in the midst of our busy lives. Yet, these are the important times to stop and show how much you mean to each other. Keep in mind that you don’t have to wait for set dates on the calendar. Make up your own reasons for celebrations.
Keep communication lines open. When differences arise, be willing to talk things out. If you’re too angered, tell your spouse you need some time to cool off. However, agree upon an exact time to revisit the problem. Never sweep issues under the rug because sooner or later they will resurface – and be worse. Do more listening than talking.
Display affection for the other – both emotionally and physically. Recognize each other’s needs and adjust your behavior accordingly. An unexpected compliment or a surprise hug or favor goes a long way!
Live within your financial capabilities. Lack of fiscal responsibility leads to bickering and erosion of the marriage. Establish a financial plan, and spend and preserve accordingly. Realize that there may be periods of downward fluctuations, but together you can hang in there and reverse the course.
Laugh – a lot! Your wife threw away the casserole that you were planning to eat for lunch. Your husband told you the wrong date—the friend's party was last night, not tonight. Blunders and gaffes are a normal part of life. In the scheme of the bigger picture, most errors are trite. Laugh about them. A sense of humor is vital to marital endurance and keeping the marriage on an even keel.
Be together. Be separate. Be it community, religious or political; jointly participate in activities in which you share a common interest. There’s value in separation too. Each spouse needs to maintain his/her individuality with hobbies, friends, and the like.
“Commitment” means “teamwork”. While each had their own definition, the common thread among all of the couples in Everlasting Matrimony is “commitment”. This is not to say that a husband and wife remained miserably married. Rather, their consistent position was and continues to be that even when they are polar opposites in a situation or have conflicting opinions on a specific life topic, they’re going to find a way to compromise and develop a solution acceptable to both. (Sometimes a partner may have to yield completely. But, things will go that person’s way at some other time.) The two work as a “team” and their shared goal is to face life – its ups and downs – together.
The Final Scorecard
Interestingly enough, while writing Everlasting Matrimony, I continued to keep a scorecard of celebrity divorces—86 over a three-year period! But, I realized that the “losers” score doesn’t matter anymore because now the “winners” have a voice and can be heard!
As you embark into matrimony, remember that life is an adventure with twists and turns. As a couple, as a committed team, you too, can have an everlasting matrimony.
By Sheryl P. Kurland, author of “Everlasting Matrimony Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years Or More”
“Everlasting Matrimony Pearls Of Wisdom From Couples Married 50 Years Or More”, authored by Sheryl P. Kurland, is available at bookstores everywhere. (If the book is not on the shelf, ask for it to be special ordered.) The book can also be ordered on the Internet at any bookstore web site as well as amazon.com The ISBN identification number is 1-56167-841-4.
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